Men are from mars....

Again, somethin i got in the mail, that i think is hilarious...

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a
sense of humour!


"I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart....

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for
each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,

"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch
knows I'm smarter than her..

Fuck!

Just somethin i got in the mail the other day. I personally think its hilarious....

"Fuck"


In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories:

It can be used as a verb, both transitive "John fucked Mary" and intransitive "Mary was fucked by John"

It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb "Mary really doesn't give a fuck" an adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John" or as a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck"

It can also be used as an adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful" or an interjection "Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary"

It can even be used as a conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid"

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Apart from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."

3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."

5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"

6. Disgust "Fuck me."

7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

8. Difficulty "I don't understand fucking Maths!"

9. Despair "Fucked again..."

10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."

11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."

13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"

14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."

16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."

17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"

20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."

21. Directions "Fuck off."

22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used...

...in an anatomical description "He's a fucking asshole."

....to tell time "It's five fucking thirty."

....in business "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

...maternal "Motherfucker."

....political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history :

Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?"

General Custer "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

Captain of the Titanic "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"

John Lennon "That's not a real fucking gun."

Richard Nixon "Who's gonna fucking find out?"

Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll."

Willard Scott "It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!"

Albert Einstein "Any fucking idiot could understand that."

Picasso "It does so fucking look like her!"

Pythagoras "How the fuck did you work that out?"

Michaelangelo "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"

Walt Disney "Fuck a duck."

Edmund Hilary "Why? Because its fucking there!"

Joan of Arc "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"

Donald Trump "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"

Orville Reddenbacher "Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"

Jim Lovell (captain of Apollo 13) "Huston, We have a fucking problem!!"